This is Kristen's Story
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For more than six years, she and her husband have prayed, waited, and said “yes” to every open door—only to watch it close again.
Infertility. Adoptions that fell through. A foster placement that didn’t work out. Each time, hope rose… and then heartbreak followed. In the middle of it all, she wrestled with the question so many of us are afraid to say out loud: What if God doesn’t give me what I want? Will I still love Him the same?
In this honest and powerful testimony, she shares what it’s like to feel overlooked by God, how a moment on JOY FM met her right where she was, and why she’s choosing to praise Him—even while the house is still quiet.
If you’re waiting—for a child, for healing, for a breakthrough, for someone you love to come to Christ—this story is for you. You’re not alone in the roller coaster. And your waiting is not wasted.
My husband and I were both saved as kids. We ended up getting married, when I was 24. And after about 5 years, we decided that we wanted to start building a family. And so, we started that process, but not too far into it. I received an infertility diagnosis, and so that changed things. Well, I have had ultrasounds and tests and procedures, and we’ve gone through adoptions that ended up failing.
The first time that we had a potential adoption that fell through, I had a student’s mother reach out to me. She knew a young girl who was pregnant and grandmother told the granddaughter that she had to have an abortion. And when the young girl told u my student’s mother that um she said, “What if I told you that there was a family that would take that baby and love them as their own?” She said, “Would grandma let you keep the baby and give it to them?” And the girl said, “I’ll ask.” And so she went to her grandmother and um grandma said yes. that we could give the baby to this family. Um you wouldn’t have to have an abortion. And so we started lining up the process um to be able to meet with them. And um in the meantime, they went and um got an ultrasound and heard the heartbeat. And as soon as grandma heard the heartbeat, I think she realized the weight um of what her granddaughter was carrying. And so they decided they were going to keep the baby. So in that aspect, it was difficult for us because we want a child so badly, but I like to think staying positive um that maybe God used our willingness to save that baby’s life. The second time was a 12-year-old boy. um he was with a foster family and he um the the placement with the foster family wasn’t going to work out and so they had let their family know we’re going to have to um find different placement for this boy and I had um a mutual friend reach out to us that said you know would you guys be interested and once again we said yes of course. Um, and so we met with the foster family and we met with the foster child multiple times. Um, and um, things were progressing good. He seemed to like us. We really liked him. Um, but then children’s division stepped in and they said, “No, we’re going to place him with his biological brother.” which again um it it was hard on us because you sort of let your minds say like well maybe this is God you know working things out for us this time. I like to think again that maybe God used our willingness. Um because he didn’t even have to go a single day without thinking there was a family out there that wanted him. So the the third situation there was a child. It was it was a baby. He had been in the NICU um since birth. Um his his parents had been on drugs and again I believe parental rights had already been terminated with other siblings. And so um I got a call um from a friend that said we know a family it’s the grandmother um she can’t take in any more children and they really want to find a Christian home for this baby. you know, um she let us know that he was going to have some medical um issues that would have to be worked through as he was in the NICU and he was quite sick. Um and so again, we said yes and um again uh it didn’t work out and I actually um lost contact with with that friend and I’m not I don’t know whatever end up happening. I don’t know if grandma went ahead and took him. Um but uh they they decided against adoption during that time. Um my relationship with God, I never feel like I had a moment where I felt like turning my back on God or um feeling like angry with God.
But I do feel like at times I felt overlooked by God. And I know logically, I know in my brain and I know in my heart too that I’m not overlooked by God. But I think there are times where in circumstances where you’re waiting and maybe it’s not even for children. And I know people are waiting for family members to come to Christ or um waiting for someone to be cured. Um but I think in instances where you’re waiting, it really is like a roller coaster because there are days um where you really are on top. And and I have no doubt God’s plan for my life is so much better than anything that that I could sit down and write down all my hopes and dreams. And I know God’s plan is so much better than that. But in the back of my mind, I have this thought. What if what if God doesn’t give me what I want? Am I am I prepared to say, “God, I love you regardless if I ever have a family or if I don’t.” I turned the radio on and of course it was on Joy FM, but I turned Joy FM on one day and I had been struggling with feelings like, you know, are we ever going to have a family? Like, where are you at, God? You know, am I being overlooked? And I, like I said, I turned on the radio and the line of the song where he says, um, if you if you don’t give me what I want, but you give me what I need, is that enough to believe in your love? And that day, I mean, it’s like it just struck like right in my heart, like I I just felt like, what am I doing? Um,
I had to let it soak in a little bit because I realized sometimes we sort of treat God as um, and I mean, blessing offer says it in the song, you know, talking about like, am I do I just want the things that you can give to me? Um, or or do I love you for for who you are, for the good God that you are. That is the biggest thing that I’ve had to come to terms with with my relationship with God is that I had to choose like I’m going to love you no matter what. It’s it’s interesting. I uh I would read 1 Samuel the first two chapters um and about how Panana had, you know, all these children and Hannah had none and she was so sorrowful. Um and about um Hannah going to the temple and just pouring her soul out to the Lord and just begging for a child. And then at the end, you know, she says, you know, for this child, I’ve prayed. And I tell my husband every day, I open up my social media and somebody’s having a baby. And it it just kind of it hits you differently when that’s what you’re waiting for. But everybody always uses that verse. They, you know, for this child, I’ve prayed. And so, um, when I first started reading, I I almost would get a sense of bitterness, um, towards people that would sort of flippantly throw that verse out there because I would think to myself, [Music] yes, I’ve I’ve prayed for a child, but I have I have absolutely pleaded. I have begged. I mean, I’ve I’ve just thrown it all up for the Lord. Um, and I’m still sitting here and my house is so quiet, you know, it’s just me and my husband. Um, and so sometimes when I would get to the end, even though it has a happy, you know, it ends so happy the the first chapter, I I would sometimes have to like pray like, “God, please remove this bitterness that I have towards these women who probably really did pray for their child, you know. Um, just because I’m going through something where I feel like I want it more, you know, it doesn’t it doesn’t disregard what what other women want. Um, but one night I went ahead and I went back to it and I thought, why do I always read the first chapter and I never go to the second chapter. Um, in the beginning of the se second chapter, it’s just Hannah giving praise to the Lord. And I thought, [Music] sorry, [Music] how unfortunate would it be if God answered my prayer and I waited to praise him. So right now um it’s been 6 and 1/2 years since we started this whole journey and I’m tired.
I’m really tired. Emotionally and spiritually, it’s exhausting. But again, I’ve noticed on days when I feel like God’s got this, God’s sovereign, God reigns, he’s got a plan for my life, it’s always when I’m faithful in being in my word, when I’m faithful in praying, when I’m making sure that I’m connecting with the other women in my church. Um it’s a it’s a direct correlation how when I’m up, you know, when I’m feeling okay about things, it’s a there’s a direct correlation to um what I am putting forth spiritually, if that makes sense. Um I’m fortunate that I have a wonderful church family. I have women that pour into me constantly. um my husband. Um I I could not have done any of this journey obviously without my husband. Um he’s so supportive. Um but I I do feel tired and it it makes me wonder will I will I come to an end of this where we have our family, right? um or is this going to be something that [Music] maybe God has allowed me to be in this position because I feel like I’ve helped a lot of people. Um I have former students that struggle with infertility. I have people at church that have struggled with infertility that still do struggle with infertility. Um, I’ve been able to connect with a lot of women, um, and hopefully be an encouragement to them. And sometimes I wonder
If I hadn’t gone through this with my husband, if we hadn’t had these trials, how many people would also be suffering with it, but not suffering in a way where they feel like they have someone on their team?
